Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting

Good Evening Bitches,

So after pounding my head off my Biology book for the past few hours I decided that bloggin' it up right now would be a swell idea, so here I am.

There isn’t much to talk about, however; I figured I would enlighten you all on a subject I have been pondering at work today. OK, here goes. I have this really good friend at work that goes by the name of Dawn, and she's getting married VERY soon, I think within' the next two weeks. She just had her bachelorette party this past weekend, and all the nurses at work were gettin' geared up for it, ESPECIALLY since I told them that at the end of the night, I’d be popping out of an over sized cake. Boy, oh boy I can only imagine the look of disappointment on all those beautiful faces when somebody else popped outta' that cake, other than me. Anyway, back to the point. Dawn's gettin' married. WELL, here's where I begin to feel bad and start my deep thoughts. Long story short, her soon to be husband was having his bachelor party on tha' Sauth Side 'n 'at when him and his best man exchanged a few choice words I suppose, and the best man CLOCKS the groom in the face. Dude hit Dawn's soon to be husband SO hard, it broke his fuckin' jaw. First of all, is that funny? And second of all, holy shit I can't stop laughing my ass off. It really isn't that funny I guess, simply because he had to get emergency surgery that night, and now has his jaw wired shut. I really feel for Dawn simply because this puts a damper on there wedding, but I still see some humor in it. This situation really makes you think, what the hell could have possibly happened to trigger this sort of thing?

Well here are a few visual aides to help you get the juices flowing...please feel free to leave comments on what you think could have happened, and I'll eventually post the real result of what happened after I talk to Dawn.

This is the only logical situation imaginable to me that would drive this best man to act like Bobby Brown, and make the groom to be his Whitney Houston. I’m sure there are a million more scenarios, but I’ll leave that up to you guys to post.

Currently Listening to: Donnie Iris - Ah Leah

Signed,
Pablo Picasso

Round Three

So, I'm going to attempt this for a third time I believe? I really think I should start writing in a journal or something again, to keep my mind off of things, and well....this helps. The fact is, I'm terrible at staying on task at anything, period; so that might make things a tad bit difficult. I like to think of myself as somewhat entertaining though, so I'll try and keep it interesting.How 'bat 'dem Stillers? First Cleveland gets raped like O.J. Simpson in jail, then Buffalo gets beat on like a cameraman around Russell Crowe. If you ask me, what was even better than beating up on Buffalo was watching Cleveland pound the poop out of Cinci, and score 7 TD's.

So, we have the Steelers at 2-0...and I've got a beard coming in, so we ALL know what that means. It's soon to be....A HOCKEY NIGHT IN PITTSBURGH!! That's right, the ol' two-niner and Mike Lange will be at it pretty soon here, comin' up in October and we got a good lookin' team. Even better news is the festivities I have coming up around New Years with Steve "I'll burn your mother fucking house down" Feki. We're headin' up to Canada to celebrate New Years, getting sloshed, then New Years Day driving down to Buffalo where we will tailgate at Ralph Wilson Stadium from around 8am until face-off, at 1pm. The Penguins and Sabres are playing an outdoor game on New Years Day, and WE have tickets...I just splooged in my pants again.

Well, that’s enough to bore someone to sleep, so I'll talk to ya'll later....p'z bitches.

Currently Listening to: T-Pain - My Girl Got A Girlfriend


Signed,
*I've seen better dayS*

Dawn of a New Era

Man O' Live am I FUCKING Juiced. Yes, that's right; I had to drop the F bomb because that is how excited I am. Wednesday, which is tomorrow, I'm headed dahn' to Mellon Arena n'at around 4:00 to attend yet again another Pens game. Four Home Games, Four Appearances by yours truly, and I've been on the JumboTron dancing my heart out three times already, so tomorrow I'm going to have to make it four. This is just no ORDINARY Pittsburgh Penguins game though...this is Sidney Crosby Bobblehead night, and not only that. Prepare yourself for this one...

...*key large, loud, motivating announcer voice*...

AT CENTER, NUMBER SEVENTY-ONE, EVVVGGGENNNIIIII MMMAAAAAAALLLLLLKKKKKKKIIIIINNNNNNNNN!!!



WOOT! WOOT! WOOT! WOOT!

LETS GO PENS!

Tomorrow will be the dawn of a new era in hockey, and I will be there.


Signed,
Overzealous Pens Fan

Viagra Goes a Long Way

Good Evening Pittsburgh,

Hey there folks, it's been awhile but I'm back again with more great ideas and opinions. I guess I'll review my weekend events real quick, so this article may take a while, so you may want to take your bathroom break now.

First, The Pittsburgh Penguins 5-1 Loss against the Carolina Hurricanes on Saturday Night. The thing that bothers me the most about this is they played pretty decent hockey for half the game. They came out looking very flat and hung over, (or just Ryan Malone) and then showed signs of life during the game. If anybody watched the game or checked the highlights I'm sure they would have stumbled across the devastating hit delivered by Colby Armstrong, not much else to say about that...yikes. Some highlights of the game were of coarse hanging out with Nick, Kayla, Gabby and Blase; that is always fun. Getting put up on the JumboTron at Mellon Arena twice Saturday night (three times so far this year) was pretty sweet. I had some stellar dance moves that made the ladies at Mellon Arena drool in awe, and crave my phone number. My JumboTron appearance was just no regular appearance either, it was a good 20 seconds of hardcore dancing...you all know how I get down. To close this subject, Kayla is hilarious...that is all.

Now onward to my next subject...our Pittsburgh Steelers. Great to finally get a W back in the column for Big Ben and the gang but was it really necessary to bend Kansas City over like Jenna Jameson and butt fuck the shit outta' them. YES! You're damn right it was, hahaha. It's great to put some points up on the board provided by the Steelers 'O', and give Ben and the rest of the team some confidence and positive things to go off of into next week. Since were on the subject of butt fucking I guess that will take me to my next point.

Lastly, My fantasy football team dominated harder than Mel Gibson does to a bottle of Vodka, and spanked more ass than Hugh Hefner could ever imagine. I boned my Fantasy Opponent harder than an 80 year-old man on Viagra. Let me give you all a little taste of the players I have, and what they did with the ball this week. Ladainian Tomlinson had three touchdowns, Torry Holt had a break out game, my defense who just happened to be our beloved Pittsburgh Steelers had a touchdown and whooped ass, Laveranues Coles had two touchdowns, Matt Hasselbeck threw for three touchdowns, and my personal favorite...TERELL OWENS had 5 catches for 45 Yards, and 3, COUNT 'EM, THREE TOUCHDOWNS! It took Jesus an extra week to rise from the dead folks, but he has been resurrected. See article below on T.O. for further information but I don't need to elaborate. All in all, the typical score in my fantasy league for a decent team is 145 points per week. I scored 269 points this week, hahaha...269 points, Jesus Mary and Joseph. I guess my weekend wasn't all that interesting and reason being for my writing being so unenthusiastic I suppose is because I've been doing English all night, writing essays, and studying for two mid-terms.

So with that said...I'll start brainstorming topics for my next post, have a wonderful night.

Listening to: Breaking Benjamin - Evil Angel


Signed,
All Hopped up on the Little Blue Pill

RampagE

Do you ever feel like walking around aimlessly outside, and just throwing grenades at objects and/or humans?

That's how I feel right now...

Previously Written Stories

These are three stories that I recently wrote on my facebook web site. I felt the need to post these three stories on this page to give every body a little taste of what is in store...

If I Had A Nickname

Good Morning Pittsburgh,

This morning, I sit in the library at CCAC and stare at Jeff McKenna diligently acting like a good student, and attempting to do homework; suddenly I ponder the question. Why can't I have a cool nickname such as "Long Dong McKenna"? This is what my library experience at college has come to right now...wondering why McKenna is called Long Dong. Seriously though, that is a sweet ass nickname. If I had a nickname such as that I would walk up to girls and go "HEEYYY EVERYBODY!!" with my pants around my ankles. Okay, so you probably called my bluff with that comment; although one person I know who has already done that, Erik Marcy, will remain unnamed. What is it that makes everybody think he has such a Long Dong though? Is it because he is so damn tall, or is it the simple fact that he has big feet? This is something I've been wondering since about 10:08 this morning, and it's really been bothering me for these past 13 minutes. Ah well, I suppose maybe I'll finish up some homework. I'm sure more will come to mind later as I may be doing this regularly.

Signed,
Short and Small


If I Had A Nailgun

Good Evening Pittsburgh,

All right, so here's the deal. I just got finished cutting the grass, and I come inside my house to sit at my desk, concentrate and work on my homework assignments. I'd be ALL over doing that right now if there wasn't an excessive POUNDING on my fucking roof?! For the past few days people that my father hired have been putting a roof on our house; only there is one problem, they suck. Well, they don't necessarily suck, there just slow and like to make a lot of noise. So, while cutting the grass it hit me, and no not a nail. What if just for one day you had this amazing ass nail gun. I'm not talking about just any pussy ass regular nail gun, I'm talking about a never before invented, cordless, kick ass, super duper handy dandy nail gun. Similar to the one that Happy Gilmore shot his boss in the head with at the beginning of the movie, only that one was on an air compressor; like I said this would be cordless. It'd be so sweet, wouldn't it? I'd walk around all day holding it, and if someone I didn't like fucked with me *BAM*, I'd pop there ass right in the fuckin' foot. I'd sit a top CCAC and pick people off with nails right into their leg or something with my awesome sniper scope located at the top of my nail gun. For one day, I could just wreak havoc on the world, and everyone would have no idea what was going on. I'd call off work, then show up and shoot nails through my managers windows and doors until they came out and saw what was going on. Then I'd nail their ass to the wall, literally. It would be a sweet day...if I had a Nail Gun.

Signed,
Bored and Crazy


Terrell Owens = Jesus Christ

Good Night Pittsburgh,

Ok, so yesterday I was an avid watcher of the Terrell Owens story on ESPN for two reasons; one being that T.O. is on my Fantasy Football team, and if/when I win my fantasy football league, I'll get a sweet ass trophy and $400. Reason number two is that I am one of the very few people that remain a loyal Owens supporter. This man is a terrific football player and athlete. If someone were to take the time and listen to him speak, and watch an interview you would also realize that he isn't such a bad guy after all. When you are in the spotlight that much, and constantly being criticized for staying as competitive as possible, one is bound to snap. T.O. may be obnoxious, loud, flamboyant and so on, but he is not a harmful human being, which brings me to my next point...the suicide attempt. I believe the real story behind this is that T.O. came home in pain, because he is a professional football player; they tend to go through a lot of pain through out a career. He took his regular supplements with his dinner, and roughly 8 painkillers or so, not all at the same time. Then since he is such a big star, he probably felt like gettin' CRUNK, and after having his bottle of courvoisier, he was pretty wasted. His publicist/booty call Kim came over to satisfy his giant black wiener's needs, and found him staggering around. She saw an empty bottle of painkillers and immediately called 911. Kim being unaware that T.O. placed the rest of the pills in the drawer, the cops showed up at T.O's house and questioned him. Since he was pretty out of it at that point he probably said things he normally wouldn't have if he were sober; such as "Depressed" and when asked "Where you trying to harm yourself?" he responded by saying "Yes". I am not completely sure about all of that, but I am sure of one thing.

Terrell Owens has come back from the dead and been resurrected. He is currently the modern day Jesus Christ, and will score a ridiculous amount of Touchdowns this year, and set yardage records for receivers in the NFL. After T.O.'s death and recent resurrection from the dead, he will play his ass off, and have a new outlook on life. T.O is now Jesus Christ, and as we all know...Christ doesn't fuck around when it comes to whooping ass at sports. So whatever the over or under might be on the Cowboys odds to win the game this weekend...pick 'em, because Jesus Christ does not lose!

Signed,
"The Spirit of the Old Terrell Owens"