Previously Written Stories

These are three stories that I recently wrote on my facebook web site. I felt the need to post these three stories on this page to give every body a little taste of what is in store...

If I Had A Nickname

Good Morning Pittsburgh,

This morning, I sit in the library at CCAC and stare at Jeff McKenna diligently acting like a good student, and attempting to do homework; suddenly I ponder the question. Why can't I have a cool nickname such as "Long Dong McKenna"? This is what my library experience at college has come to right now...wondering why McKenna is called Long Dong. Seriously though, that is a sweet ass nickname. If I had a nickname such as that I would walk up to girls and go "HEEYYY EVERYBODY!!" with my pants around my ankles. Okay, so you probably called my bluff with that comment; although one person I know who has already done that, Erik Marcy, will remain unnamed. What is it that makes everybody think he has such a Long Dong though? Is it because he is so damn tall, or is it the simple fact that he has big feet? This is something I've been wondering since about 10:08 this morning, and it's really been bothering me for these past 13 minutes. Ah well, I suppose maybe I'll finish up some homework. I'm sure more will come to mind later as I may be doing this regularly.

Signed,
Short and Small


If I Had A Nailgun

Good Evening Pittsburgh,

All right, so here's the deal. I just got finished cutting the grass, and I come inside my house to sit at my desk, concentrate and work on my homework assignments. I'd be ALL over doing that right now if there wasn't an excessive POUNDING on my fucking roof?! For the past few days people that my father hired have been putting a roof on our house; only there is one problem, they suck. Well, they don't necessarily suck, there just slow and like to make a lot of noise. So, while cutting the grass it hit me, and no not a nail. What if just for one day you had this amazing ass nail gun. I'm not talking about just any pussy ass regular nail gun, I'm talking about a never before invented, cordless, kick ass, super duper handy dandy nail gun. Similar to the one that Happy Gilmore shot his boss in the head with at the beginning of the movie, only that one was on an air compressor; like I said this would be cordless. It'd be so sweet, wouldn't it? I'd walk around all day holding it, and if someone I didn't like fucked with me *BAM*, I'd pop there ass right in the fuckin' foot. I'd sit a top CCAC and pick people off with nails right into their leg or something with my awesome sniper scope located at the top of my nail gun. For one day, I could just wreak havoc on the world, and everyone would have no idea what was going on. I'd call off work, then show up and shoot nails through my managers windows and doors until they came out and saw what was going on. Then I'd nail their ass to the wall, literally. It would be a sweet day...if I had a Nail Gun.

Signed,
Bored and Crazy


Terrell Owens = Jesus Christ

Good Night Pittsburgh,

Ok, so yesterday I was an avid watcher of the Terrell Owens story on ESPN for two reasons; one being that T.O. is on my Fantasy Football team, and if/when I win my fantasy football league, I'll get a sweet ass trophy and $400. Reason number two is that I am one of the very few people that remain a loyal Owens supporter. This man is a terrific football player and athlete. If someone were to take the time and listen to him speak, and watch an interview you would also realize that he isn't such a bad guy after all. When you are in the spotlight that much, and constantly being criticized for staying as competitive as possible, one is bound to snap. T.O. may be obnoxious, loud, flamboyant and so on, but he is not a harmful human being, which brings me to my next point...the suicide attempt. I believe the real story behind this is that T.O. came home in pain, because he is a professional football player; they tend to go through a lot of pain through out a career. He took his regular supplements with his dinner, and roughly 8 painkillers or so, not all at the same time. Then since he is such a big star, he probably felt like gettin' CRUNK, and after having his bottle of courvoisier, he was pretty wasted. His publicist/booty call Kim came over to satisfy his giant black wiener's needs, and found him staggering around. She saw an empty bottle of painkillers and immediately called 911. Kim being unaware that T.O. placed the rest of the pills in the drawer, the cops showed up at T.O's house and questioned him. Since he was pretty out of it at that point he probably said things he normally wouldn't have if he were sober; such as "Depressed" and when asked "Where you trying to harm yourself?" he responded by saying "Yes". I am not completely sure about all of that, but I am sure of one thing.

Terrell Owens has come back from the dead and been resurrected. He is currently the modern day Jesus Christ, and will score a ridiculous amount of Touchdowns this year, and set yardage records for receivers in the NFL. After T.O.'s death and recent resurrection from the dead, he will play his ass off, and have a new outlook on life. T.O is now Jesus Christ, and as we all know...Christ doesn't fuck around when it comes to whooping ass at sports. So whatever the over or under might be on the Cowboys odds to win the game this weekend...pick 'em, because Jesus Christ does not lose!

Signed,
"The Spirit of the Old Terrell Owens"